I was so nervous on my wedding day and when I look at the photos it is evident that I am incredibly overwhelmed. A picture of my dad and I coming down the aisle shows me already weeping (so much for the makeup artist who created a perfect palette on my face!) and I am holding my flowers very high, my arm almost totally outstretched as if I were on a forced march. I laugh every time I look at that photo - I am a weepy mess and my dad is next to me cool, crisp and calm.
As we approached the alter, I looked for my husband-to-be - he should have been to my right, gazing adoringly at me. Instead, I was finally able to place him, on my left, lined up with the bridesmaids. He was totally on the wrong side (but fortunately he was gazing adoringly at me). I reached the alter, kissed my dad and then turned to my left to face him; I handed my bouquet to my maid of honor, Amy, and then reaching out my hands, I grasped his hands in mine and twirled him around so that he was on my right and I was now on the left - the way it was supposed to be. He was shocked as I twirled him around, but I whispered to him "you were standing on the wrong side" and he burst out laughing, filled the beautiful garden with his unmistakable laugh. When Charles laughed, you knew he was in the room. I started to giggle too and soon the whole room was joining in. The nice thing about a small wedding is that everyone there generally knows the couple fairly well, so there was no mistake that everyone there was laughing at me and my silly control issues; but I knew they were laughing from a place of love and it was a moment I'll always remember.
Our original plan was to have an evening ceremony on the spectacular grounds at one of my bridesmaid's home on Mulholland Drive in Beverly Hills overlooking the San Fernando Valley. About halfway into the process, we had a moment of clarity and realized that the last thing we wanted was a big ceremony with 200+ people at a cost of $25k or thereabouts. The most important thing to us was the intimacy and the ease and comfort of being with the people we held dearest. So we revamped and set our wedding for late morning with lunch to follow. We had a friend who was a violinist for the LA Symphony and we asked her to put together a trio or duo but she was going to be out of town so she recommended friends - a flutist and cellist.
As you may guess, I have a few control issues, but the one thing I knew as an "older" bride was that things happen on your wedding day and you have to roll with it. I had a younger friend who's mother and mother-in-law planned her wedding. They were of Cuban and Latino and Puerto Rican descent and although she and her fiance wanted a small quiet wedding, that was not to be. The mamas planned a huge, over the top wedding. I remember going to kiss her in the bride's room before the service; she was so horribly nervous (but astonishingly beautiful in her fairy princess wedding dress) that she had taken some Valium. She later told me she didn't remember the ceremony at all, she was so loaded. As Valium inebriation was not an option for me, I was determined to plan the wedding to the best of my ability and try to let the rest of it go.
After our ceremony, it was time for our first dance as husband and wife. Before I tell you what happened, I'd like to iterate that prior to our wedding, the flutist called me to discuss the music and we talked at length about songs and music Charles and I liked. We didn't have a "song" per se, but I thought some nice 40s big band, romantic music a la Nat King Cole would be fine. We talked about 10 or so songs for the first dance and I told her that any of those would work but I'd leave it up to her to choose what to play for that as well as the music during the reception and luncheon. So back to the wedding - as we took the floor, the music of the flute and cello soared through the room. It was a gorgeous sound. We began to dance.
Dancing, the music was beautiful but I couldn't place the song, it flitted about my brain and sat just on the tip of my tongue. I listened more closely. What song is this Charles asked? I don't know. I ran through the list of songs in my mind that the flutist and I had discussed and it was none of those songs. Then it hit me. OH NO, I thought. What?, asked Charles, what song is this? Smiling the best and prettiest smile I could, I answered him, dreading his reaction. Um, honey, it's the theme song from The Titanic, I said - Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On". WHAT??!, my New York City-raised husband roared (Yes, he roared). I'm not dancing to the fucking song...are you fucking kidding me?! Honey, listen... I tried. NO. I am not dancing to a song about the sinking of the Titanic - doesn't Leonardo DiCaprio DIE at the end?? Yes, I countered, but it's a love story. NO FUCKING WAY AM I DANCING TO A SONG WHERE THE MAN DIES AT THE END OF THE MOVIE. And then I started laughing. It was so damn funny. I just couldn't believe it. I would never have picked that song, not in a million years. I didn't even like that fucking song. But damn, it was funny. I had tears rolling down my face. Charles was in that spot that I knew so well, he was either going to lose his temper and storm off, maybe yell at the flutist and cellist and fire them in front of everyone we loved or he was going to let it go. It was a toss-up. I looked in his eyes, pleading silently for him to let it go....and then he smiled that million dollar smile, threw back his head and began to laugh at the ridiculousness of it.
That was Charles. The biggest softie I ever knew disguised as a NY tough guy. Being around him was an enchantment. He was a raconteur extraordinaire. He made everyone he met fall in love with him. He reached out his hand to help the lowest newcomer in AA and once, I think my friend Teri, who was my sponsee, unofficially fired me and went with Charles. It didn't matter. His love touched everyone. He told the truth but told it in a loving way. I don't think I ever met anyone who didn't like him. He loved a "deal" and he'd go to Costco and come home with 4 pairs of jeans, none of which fit him but - it was "such a good deal!" He used to despair of my book buying habits. Can't you go to the library?, he'd beg. No honey - other people have touched my books at the library! I loved a new book - it's feel, it's smell, it's newness. But he'd go to the library and check something out that he thought I'd like, trying to curb my book buying "habit".
We lived in a cute Spanish style house in Mar Vista. It was about 2 miles from the beach and 2 houses in from Venice Boulevard; so we would get lots of Venice street traffic parked on our street and in front of our home. Charles absolutely hated when people parked their beater cars in front of our house and to the detriment of his beautiful Mercedes, he'd pull in behind their car and using his front bumper, push the offending car forward until it rested in front of our neighbor's home. I kid you not. At first, we fought about it. Contrite, he switched to a new tactic of putting a note on their car that read, "Please don't park your piece of shit car in front of my house. Thank you." Yeah, I couldn't imagine that anything could be worse than the forced re-parking, but that note was. I quickly revamped and told him to go ahead and go back to pushing the cars out of the way. It was totally insane, but he was unmovable in this, so I just gave up and I'd watch in horror as "Charles' Courtesy Re-Parking Services" did it's job - waiting for the day that some gangbanger would walk up while he was assaulting their car and shoot him. Luckily, that scenario never manifested.
I miss that man. I miss his smile and his laugh. I miss his stories. I miss his vibrancy and his energy. I miss being loved completely and adored unconditionally. Our wedding was beautiful and amazing and flawed but absolutely perfect, the way our marriage was. I was so lucky and for once in my life, I chose well. I didn't appreciate it as much as I should have, but I do today and I know that wherever he is, he knows how much I loved him and how he changed my heart and my life with his love. Instead of tying me down, his love set me free to find and be Pam. I had never been given such a gift before and I hope he knows how big a role he played in me becoming the woman I am today. I carry his love with me in my heart and in my life and I hope that somewhere in the ether, he knows how grateful I am to have been married to him for those short few, yet incredibly full years and how much I still love him and how terribly I miss him.
Pax.
Loved the story and I felt like I was there with you and Charles. Thank you for sharing your beautiful day with me. xoxo
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