And you may ask yourself-Well...How did I get here?
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.
And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
...And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.
And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
...And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!
And the days go by....
Since my birthday, I am overcome with a sense of urgency. I feel like time is slipping by and I have so much to do still and yet today, I just want to get back in bed and pull the covers over my head. It feels overwhelming. Charles used to say that we picked our life - our soul - the person we were going to be, parents, our path - a predetermining choice - that our souls know what we need to learn and accordingly, I picked me - Pamela Pletz - to be, and today, I don't like this choice. All I wanted was the happy marriage, the 2.5 kids, 2 cars in the driveway and a nice, happy, normal life. I don't want all these challenges and obstacles. I don't want to be an alcoholic today. I want to have a glass of wine with dinner (no worries, I won't). I want to look across the table at a man who loves me. I want to get in bed and put my cold feet on someone. I want passion and desire. I want to have the financial means to do some of the things that I want to do, that I have done before, that I took for granted. I don't take them for granted anymore. I want to worry about my children and my family. I want a different life today. Is that okay? Is being ungrateful for who and what I am today wrong?
I am tired of being brave. I am tired of being strong. I am tired of trudging the road of happy destiny. Did you know the definition of "trudge" is to "walk with purpose and determination"? I just want to meander for a while. I want to pick a different life for a bit. I want to be a character in a movie with a sappy, happy ending. When do I get that? Life is supposed to be the journey, but today I am focused on the destination. I want to be THERE. Many of my problems are of my own making, but I don't want to look at that today. I don't want to settle. Or get by. Or accept that this is the way it is...
And now I am tired of whining and more tired of being in my own head, so I am going to end this post and watch horribly, wasteful TV - 2 hours of X Factor and I am going to eat pizza and watch more premiere TV tonight. If you've read this and want to jump off a bridge, I apologize, but it's where I am today. I know I am not the only person who has ever felt this way and usually I try to hide it behind a smile but I'm too tired to smile today and much too tired to fake it. So real, grumpy Pam is going to relish in her realness and her grumpiness. Seacrest out.
Pax.
Pam, Some days suck, and some days don't. Just remember that, when your life sucks, you are never really alone, as it sucks for a lot of people every day, and you get to be on of us, those days.
ReplyDeleteAlways remember God has a plan for you….he does for all of us, we just don’t know what it is, how it will turn out, and some days it feels like His plan is for us to eat a shit sandwich. He does this because it’s His way of helping remind us how strong we are and above all we must have faith, this too shall pass.
ReplyDeletePammy~ a day like this was surely inevitable. You've had many life changes lately, some that most people could never, ever imagine. And yet, you have stayed strong, and smiling, and brave. But, it's ok to step back and examine all that is going on, and perhaps not be so strong. You have enriched many of us with your blog. I have learned alot from your writing, and please know that you have made me see many things with a much more appreciative and sensitive eye. It's ok to test your tear ducts, to watch crappy tv, and just have a simply sucky day. I know that you will come back with interesting insight and maybe even an appreciation for a day like this. But more importantly, know that you are well loved! So sorry you had this kind of day. My door is always open, and my phone is always on. Much love to you dear Pam. p
ReplyDeleteI'm a few days late. Hope things have taken a more positive turn. Not sure I have any helpful words. Just hang in there. Something interesting will happen and you'll forget all those pressing issues. I like that idea that we choose our lives. If that's true it means that we had a choice and we made the choice because we saw that there was some ultimate benefit possible. Don't give up on that. Let me know when you figure out how to not owe people money. :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm passing this on to from my friend Luke Benoit, who sends out daily meditation thoughts:
ReplyDeleteem·brace - [em-breys] verb
to take or receive gladly or eagerly;
accept willingly: adopt, welcome: seize.
Today, I will embrace where I am
and how I feel
__________
for when I fight it,
sometimes gives it more strength.
And when I embrace my good feelings
they have the potential to skyrocket me
into
another dimension.