1. This is the simplest solution and best for those ladies with no sense of humor or for those who just.don't.care. You are a football widow. Your man is now unavailable these days of the week for the next 4 months - all day Sunday, Sunday night, Monday night and Thursday night. You don't care because it allows you to go out to dinner with your girlfriends, go shopping or a happy combination of both. I really have no advice for you except to advise you not go drinking with your girlfriends after you shop as it is likely everyone else in the bar is watching one of the many games being shown on the bar tv(s). And I wish you good luck with all that! Sadly, you are not my target audience, however - please keep reading because I have several other options you may actually find intriguing!
2. My second solution is really just a means to torture your man. It's a passive-aggressive application of trying to be a part of something that is important to your husband but if you follow my advice, will be much more fun for you!
Pick a team to root for. It doesn't matter which one, but it's probably most effective to root for the same team as your husband especially if you want to make his head explode. On game day, come into the TV room wearing your team jersey. You may want to, in advance, prepare your favorite cocktails - margaritas, mai tais, appletinis - anything besides a beer works here. Prepare some canapes or delicious hors d'oeuvres - something classy and elegant! Lots of little knives and toothpicks really add panache - no beer, chips and dip for you, missy!!
As soon as you sit down, start peppering your loved one with incredibly stupid questions. Be relentless. Now, a bit of advice, this approach works best if you have done a tiny bit of research. An online search will give you the quarterback and coach names and then find out who the stars of your team are. It is very important to discover who your team's "bad boy" is so you can discuss said player's merits with your man. Examples abound - Plaxico Burress who plays for the Jets now, was just released from prison after serving two years for shooting himself in the thigh at a club when the gun he was carrying in his waistband began to slide down and as he grabbed for it he accidentally pulled the trigger missing the family jewels by millimeters.
Better yet, bring up the Brett Favre scandal. Brett, now retired but ex-longtime QB for the Packers and for a short while the Vikings, sent pictures of his erect johnson to a female sports reporter. The worse part of this story was not that a married man (and grandfather) sent unsolicited photos of his penis to a woman but that the photos reveal that he was wearing Crocs while doing so (and laying down on a bed in said Crocs. Crocs, really? I am fairly certain that is why the guy never got laid by the hot female sports reporter.) Anyway, you ladies get the drift - this works because guys just want to watch football. They don't care about all the gossipy stuff, but really girls - that's the best part in Pam's playbook! To continue, just keep talking about "your" team. No matter what - do NOT learn anything substantial about the game of football!
Once in a while say something like "Oh, I think he was offsides!" Or "that was definitely pass interference" or "do you think they'll go for the 2 point conversion?" or "THAT WAS DEFINITELY A PERSONAL FOUL!!" It doesn't matter when you say it, just say it. Trust me.
Now here's the fun part. As a woman, you really have an advantage in this next segment. A discussion about team colors and uniform styles is a must! Use words like pumpkin and nutmeg, aquamarine and azure - you get the drift. A gratuitous mention of how cute their butts look in their tight, little pants is appropriate here. No football Sunday is complete without a discussion of the ever-changing yet always fashionable hair styles of Tom Brady. Tom is the QB (that's quarterback) for the New England Patriots and is married to Supermodel Gisele Bundchen. Girls, if you have any imagination at all, I don't think I need to advise you on how to use this information to make your man throw his hands up in the air in total frustration. Anyway, back to Tom's hair - be sure to discuss what a trendsetter he is. His hair has gone from short and clean cut - the All American Boy - to long, luscious locks (that would have put Farrah Fawcett's to shame back in the day) to his present day cut of a loose, longer cut shag. He is always perfectly coiffed - even during the games - and I am sure he spends more time and money on his hair and hair products than I do. You really should Google "Tom Brady's hair" to see what I am talking about. Of course, being married to a Supermodel probably puts incredible pressure on Tom to always be on that razor's edge of fashion so be sure to quickly segue into a "discussion" on fashion and the new Sex and the City movie. (By now, your man should be sitting on the couch, head in hands, moaning in agony.) He may actually offer you money to go shopping. It's up to you whether to take it or not or see if he'll up the ante next week...!
So, that about covers it for this option. The above is just a suggested "offensive" strategy - feel free to finesse and put your own pass rush to the test.
This brings me to the last option:
3. A full-out immersion of football which includes your own fantasy football draft. Each NFL team has 11 players that play offense and 11 that play defense and then some special teams - ie. kickoff, field goal etc. In regular fantasy football, each league has a different number of players and positions, so my team of twelve is well within the fantasy football norms. Here's the thing, ladies - the truth is that underneath all those pads and spandex and helmets are some serious eye candy and if none of the options above pique your interest, what follows below should - at least for long enough to watch a bit. Accordingly, my fantasy football team has absolutely nothing to do with stats, rankings or the win/loss column. It's all about the external, baby!! How HOT are you, Mr. Football Player??? With that criteria in mind, I now give you my fantasy team comprised of the 12 hottest players in football according to my personal "playbook". You may use my whole team or pick and choose, but if these examples of extreme eye candy don't make you want to watch football, nothing ever will.
Pam's Fantasy Football Team
The Twelve Hottest Players in the Game Today
(Remember these are my choices - you don't have to agree - there is plenty of other eye candy from which you can field your own team.) Note: These are in no particular order except for the player in my number one spot is, hands down, the hottest player in the NFL. Note #2: You will see that Tom Brady, although beautiful to a fault, is not on my team. He's just too damn perfect and his life is equally so, that I just walk around waiting for regular life stuff to happen to him like it does the rest of us. It's just annoying. Tom Brady inspires a serious case of Schadenfreude in me. It's ugly, I know, but I can't help it. Note #3: I am going to try to refrain from commenting on my players, uh.....assets and let the photos speak for themselves because basically all the comments would go something like this. "Yum" or "a tall, cool glass of water" or "I like my men the way I like my coffee - strong, hot and black" - so, ah, yes - I'll refrain for the most part from here on out. With no further ado then - here are the men in my team playbook:
1. Brady Quinn, QB, Denver Broncos, #9. 6'3", 235 lbs., 26 years old.
2. Chad Ochocinco, WR (Wide Receiver), New England Patriots, #85. 6'1", 192 lbs., 33 years old.
3. Ray Lewis, LB (Linebacker), Baltimore Ravens, #52. 6'1", 250 lbs., 36 years old.
More than any of these guys, Ray Lewis inspires a unbelievable case of lust in me. He's just that hot. Right, Erin?
4. Patrick Willis, LB, San Francisco, #52. 6'1", 240 lbs., 26 years old.
5. Christian Ponder, QB, Minnesota Vikings, #7. 6'0", 215 lbs., 31 years old.
6. Adam Vinatieri, K (Kicker), Indianapolis Colts, #4. 6'0", 202 lbs., 38 years old.
7. Cam Newton, QB, Carolina Panthers, #1. 6'5", 248 lbs., 22 years old.
8. Troy Polamalu, DB (Defensive Back), Pittsburgh Steelers, #43. 5'10", 207 lbs., 30 years old.
9. Michael Vick, QB, Philadelphia Eagles, #7. 6'0", 215 lbs., 31 years old.**
** a note on Vick - I know, he went to prison for doing some really shitty, horrible things to dogs and he was truly a thug and admittedly ungrateful and normally I wouldn't have him in any group BUT I think he has truly reformed and has earned a second chance. We all deserve a second chance, and *I* of all people know that. If I thought he was disingenuous in any way, he'd never be on my fantasy team. I can't pretend to understand the cultural influences that caused him to think what he did was acceptable but I think 2 years in a cell gave him a chance to really think about what God blessed him with and how he came *this* close to throwing it all away for nothing. It's amazing that he was even able to come back at all.
10. Clay Matthews, LB, Greenbay Packers, #52. 6'3", 255 lbs., 25 years old.
11. Tony Gonzales, TE, Atlanta Falcons, #88. 6'5", 247 lbs., 35 years old.
and finally, the hottest man in the NFL (drumroll please!)
12. Mark Sanchez, QB, New York Jets, #6. 6'2", 225 lbs., 24 years old.
Million dollar smile. Nuf said.
So, there you go - my fantasy football team for 2011. There's a little something for everyone and I am happy to share this with you all! I look forward to your comments (and disses) and to hearing who you ladies would have on your team. I am always willing to weigh the merits of any player I may have overlooked. There's always room for a few more on my team, and I did it that way on purpose. Yum.
Pax
Too many quarterbacks for football, but the team parties should be great.
ReplyDeleteEnjoyed those photos! :)
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