Pam note: Hey gang, since I am basically incapacitated today with back spasms and debilitating pain (for no known reason, which is all the more frustrating!) I am sharing on my blog this piece which I have already shared on FB. It's an oldie but goodie, and I've updated it, so it's not all old material and I promise all new material tomorrow! Thanks for understanding. Now back to my position, flat on my back, don't move a muscle, on the floor! <mwah>
Without further ado: Rules for Internet dating:
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I have attempted Internet dating four times now. I realize that I am a perfectionist and a princess, but I have discovered some basic and simple rules for winning a woman's heart.
1. For God's sake, use spell check. If you are a poor speller or cannot compose a grammatically correct sentence - ask a friend to proofread your profile description before you post it!! There is nothing worse than reading a profile filled with spelling, punctuation and grammatical errors that would make my fifth grade class teacher, Mrs. Daley, cringe! Trust me, it is a "turn-off"!
2. Flowery prose about what you are going to do for your "queen" or "princess" is disingenuous at best and repulsively saccharine at worst. I really don't want to hear your false professions of "unending love", "long walks on the beach", "a sexy look that says it all" and how you are waiting to show the right woman how special she is!! Fact: you're either divorced or never married (and if you're never married over the age of 45, forget it - you are a confirmed bachelor, and I know better!) and if you had done all those things for or with your wife you would probably still be married.
Be witty! Funny! Show your sense of humor! If that's not your style, then just be direct about who you are and what want.
3. Back to the flowery prose - your initial email should not be about how you took one look at my picture and knew immediately that I was the one for you. Bitch, please. We haven't had an email exchange yet, nor talked on the phone and haven't even met in person! I have met plenty of guys that didn't even make it to the in-person meet. One guy gave great, witty email - smart, funny etc. but when we talked on the phone, I thought I was talking to Mickey Mouse. Admittedly, not his fault, but it was never going to work for me, I've got some shallowness issues to work on, I know. Another spent one hour discussing his horrible life (yes, my fault for allowing him to use me as his own personal black hole for longer than 5 minutes but I was so amazingly horrified at his woes I literally could not put down the phone...I was compelled to see the conversation out. At the end, I asked him if he wanted any feedback, to which he tersely replied "no".) I should have sent him a bill for psychiatric services - what's the going rate? $250? $300? Another guy that actually made it to the coffee stage went on and on about his DEAD EX-FIANCEE (I ask that you pay particular attention to the "ex" part of that description - yes, she broke up with him 6 or 7 years before she passed) and how no one could ever compare to her. Um no, because, she's DEAD! I am alive - living, breathing flesh and blood! I've already got one up on her as far as I see it! Which brings me to my next point -
4. Please, please, please do not share the gory details of why your last relationship failed. Really - too soon. Why do people feel like they can share their innermost disappointments and failings with a virtual stranger?? I think twice before sharing these types of problems with my sisters and best friends, for heaven's sakes!
5. Don't send me an "icebreaker" if your profile is for the sole purpose of "hooking up". Did you even read my profile? The part about wanting to be married again? The part about how much I loved being married? I don't want to fuck you, okay? I am not that desperate. I am a 50 year old woman - I have toys. And guy friends, if I am that needy.
6. If we make it to the "meeting for coffee" stage, you had best hope that I recognize you. If it turns out that your profile picture is 10 years old - or it is evident you are shaving 5-10 years off your age - I am going to be very angry. Why, you ask? It's just a little lie...well, here's the thing, if you lie about your age and/or post a profile pic that does not remotely look like you today, I am going to always wonder what else you are lying about or willing to lie about? Your kids? How many times you've been married? If you really have a job? If you are a psychopathic killer looking for your next mark? A lie is a lie is a lie. Got it?
Yes, we all want to look good, but if you're fat and bald, you're fat and bald. If you have a good personality, a big heart and a happy outlook on life, that will shine through. If you don't trust and respect yourself enough to be honest about yourself, how do you expect me to?
7. Don't email me if you live 2000 miles away. I am not going to try to figure out how to make it work - local Internet dating is hard enough. And no, I don't just want to be your "2000 miles away friend". I have friends, enough friends and too little time. I am looking for a PARTNER, see?
1. For God's sake, use spell check. If you are a poor speller or cannot compose a grammatically correct sentence - ask a friend to proofread your profile description before you post it!! There is nothing worse than reading a profile filled with spelling, punctuation and grammatical errors that would make my fifth grade class teacher, Mrs. Daley, cringe! Trust me, it is a "turn-off"!
2. Flowery prose about what you are going to do for your "queen" or "princess" is disingenuous at best and repulsively saccharine at worst. I really don't want to hear your false professions of "unending love", "long walks on the beach", "a sexy look that says it all" and how you are waiting to show the right woman how special she is!! Fact: you're either divorced or never married (and if you're never married over the age of 45, forget it - you are a confirmed bachelor, and I know better!) and if you had done all those things for or with your wife you would probably still be married.
Be witty! Funny! Show your sense of humor! If that's not your style, then just be direct about who you are and what want.
3. Back to the flowery prose - your initial email should not be about how you took one look at my picture and knew immediately that I was the one for you. Bitch, please. We haven't had an email exchange yet, nor talked on the phone and haven't even met in person! I have met plenty of guys that didn't even make it to the in-person meet. One guy gave great, witty email - smart, funny etc. but when we talked on the phone, I thought I was talking to Mickey Mouse. Admittedly, not his fault, but it was never going to work for me, I've got some shallowness issues to work on, I know. Another spent one hour discussing his horrible life (yes, my fault for allowing him to use me as his own personal black hole for longer than 5 minutes but I was so amazingly horrified at his woes I literally could not put down the phone...I was compelled to see the conversation out. At the end, I asked him if he wanted any feedback, to which he tersely replied "no".) I should have sent him a bill for psychiatric services - what's the going rate? $250? $300? Another guy that actually made it to the coffee stage went on and on about his DEAD EX-FIANCEE (I ask that you pay particular attention to the "ex" part of that description - yes, she broke up with him 6 or 7 years before she passed) and how no one could ever compare to her. Um no, because, she's DEAD! I am alive - living, breathing flesh and blood! I've already got one up on her as far as I see it! Which brings me to my next point -
4. Please, please, please do not share the gory details of why your last relationship failed. Really - too soon. Why do people feel like they can share their innermost disappointments and failings with a virtual stranger?? I think twice before sharing these types of problems with my sisters and best friends, for heaven's sakes!
5. Don't send me an "icebreaker" if your profile is for the sole purpose of "hooking up". Did you even read my profile? The part about wanting to be married again? The part about how much I loved being married? I don't want to fuck you, okay? I am not that desperate. I am a 50 year old woman - I have toys. And guy friends, if I am that needy.
6. If we make it to the "meeting for coffee" stage, you had best hope that I recognize you. If it turns out that your profile picture is 10 years old - or it is evident you are shaving 5-10 years off your age - I am going to be very angry. Why, you ask? It's just a little lie...well, here's the thing, if you lie about your age and/or post a profile pic that does not remotely look like you today, I am going to always wonder what else you are lying about or willing to lie about? Your kids? How many times you've been married? If you really have a job? If you are a psychopathic killer looking for your next mark? A lie is a lie is a lie. Got it?
Yes, we all want to look good, but if you're fat and bald, you're fat and bald. If you have a good personality, a big heart and a happy outlook on life, that will shine through. If you don't trust and respect yourself enough to be honest about yourself, how do you expect me to?
7. Don't email me if you live 2000 miles away. I am not going to try to figure out how to make it work - local Internet dating is hard enough. And no, I don't just want to be your "2000 miles away friend". I have friends, enough friends and too little time. I am looking for a PARTNER, see?
8. DO NOT invite me to coffee and then make me pay for my own cup of coffee!! Are you fucking kidding me? It's a DATE. I am a woman, looking for a man with character and integrity and chivalry and manners. If you cannot even pay for my coffee well.....Well, I just think the rest is obvious. My favorite was the guy who invited me to coffee and then said he was hungry, would I like to have lunch? I agreed and because I was nervous only ordered a small appetizer and an iced tea. He ordered a salad, an entree and a fancy espresso with whipped cream on the top. When the check came, he went to the bathroom - no he didn't skip out but he was gone so long (+15 minutes, REALLY), I became very nervous and realized he was either skipping out or taking a big poop...and really couldn't decide which was worse. But wait, we're not done here because apparently there was "worse". When he came back (I wondered if he washed his hands?), he finally picked up the check, looked at it and said, "Oh, it's about even - let's just split it?" Yep. My iced tea and appetizer cost me $22. Admittedly, there was a few red flags - the first being that he looked like he rolled out of bed and had slept in his clothes and then when I asked him why he picked this restaurant, he told me it was right under his shrink's office. And for the record, this was a very well respected ocean cinematographer - not just some schlub - except he actually was a schlub.
9. Don't invite me over for a first date at 11:30 at night to "watch a movie" at your house. Yes, that's you, Mr. Fireman. Mr. Protect and Serve or whatever your motto is. The old "I can sleep in the guest room" line stopped working in my early 20s. I'm just thinking that your job is in public service and you are trying to convince a woman that it is totally safe to go to a strange man's house that she has never met at 11:30 at night to watch - "The Changeling" - yep, a movie about a mass murderer....Guess what everyone - this red flag I got loud and clear! The strangest part was after I incredulously questioned him as to why he would want me to come over to watch a movie about a mass murderer, the phone line went dead and I never heard from him again. Maybe he was mad I ruined the ending?? Thanks for the head's up, God.
And finally:
10. Do not text me photos of your penis!!!! Ever. Period. Need I elaborate? Please tell I don't need to. If so, I refer you to exhibits one and two: Former NFL star Brett Farve and ex-CongressmanAnthony Weiner. Nuf said.
These are just a start to my rules - I am sure I will come up with more as I trudge along the ID path - but it seems that every time I join an online dating service, I encounter the same problems/issues. Of course, it is entirely possible that based on these rules I may end up alone forever, but I have to believe that there is an honorable, kind, great, funny, pragmatic, sexy, smart man out there who can express himself in a honest, grammatically correct way. I just have to find him.
One of my all time favorite posts of yours. It never gets old! Feel better
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