Drama

Big big drama today.  Now I have to figure out if I am moving for myself and truly confront my fear about being alone.  I have never been able to step into my truth in so many ways and now it's about to become frying pan/fire, so to speak.  There is a huge part of me that is scared of success and I need to figure out why.


As a child I spent my whole life trying to fly under the radar.  My mom was so outre, the 1960s divorcee in a small albeit liberal town. I never felt like I could stand in my own truth.  I minimized myself and stuffed everything down trying to fit in.  Pretending that everything was okay at home.  Never let 'em see you sweat (or cry).  I've always had a big personality and I never believed in myself until after I got sober; since then it's been a struggle to put it all together and accept and love it (me) unconditionally.  An AA friend, a woman with many years of sobriety, always said that "I am exactly where God wants me to be at this very moment."


I moved 2000 miles away last year to "find myself".  After Charles died, I realized that being a high level Executive Assistant was not my calling and it never had been.  I always knew this, but I never knew how to play the game to get out of that pigeon-hole.  I was a bit too desperate, too anxious, too eager for someone to give me an opportunity - couple that with my brash and "big" personality and my inability to fawn over idiots who weren't as smart as me in many cases and you can see how I ended up never advancing past the assistant role.  I won't say that all the jobs were bad, a couple were good and one was amazing.  I worked for an incredible man and an incredible company.  But he left for a bigger opportunity and I was on my downward spiral of grief after Charles' death and stayed in Los Angeles.


In retrospect, the entire 'post-Charles' journey brought me here to Nashville.  I needed a fresh start and my sister was here.  So I moved to Nashville.  Nashville - a city where I quickly discovered I don't belong.  The winters are cold and icy.  At winters end, months of rain.  It feels like six months of winter with a few days of spring and then the gates of hell open and the infernal oven belches heat.  My God, it is hot here and so damn humid.  Every day, I step outside hoping for a miracle - maybe a hint of ocean breeze from 700 miles away?  I know, you're thinking I'm insane, I'll just say I'm an optimist.  But one woman can't change geography and weather patterns.


I thank God that I found Percy Warner Park; it is my solace and my connection to my higher power.  I am almost totally alone when I hike and it amazes me - if this park were in LA, it would be overrun with beautiful people both young and old and dogshit.  To be able to walk in this oasis in the middle of a city still astounds me.  I will miss this wondrous place with the white-tailed deer, the barred owls, the bright green color of life, the dripping springs.  Once, I was hiking with Blue and Pink and a huge thunderstorm opened up on top of us and it was big and scary and exhilarating.  The lightening struck nearby and the thunder boomed above, around and it seemed, on us.  The earth shook and we were drenched to the bone in seconds.  There was no where to hide, so we kept moving forward - the path a stream now.  For a mile and a half we hiked.  By the time we reached the car, the storm had moved on.  There's a saying about Tennessee weather - that if you don't like it, wait a few minutes, it'll change.  I loved that hike. I love that park.


Now I move to a place where there is water, lots of water.  The Trent and Neuse Rivers - and only 30 minutes to the Atlantic Ocean.  When I worried about where I would hike or connect with God, a friend reminded me that I would go to the beach and run and find God there.  He was absolutely right.  When I am on the beach, near the ocean, I feel more myself than any other place or time in my life.


I have no idea what my future holds after next Thursday when I move in and unpack.  Because of today's events, there is more uncertainty - or maybe it is God's way of narrowing my choices down.  The good news is that I feel determined to honor the fullness of who I am.  I want to write and I will.  I will write about my adventures new and old.  I will explore my new town and walk by the river and sit on the beach and ponder the mysteries of life.  I have filled out an application for a part time job that allows me to earn some commission too.  I have created a flyer for an "in-home" dog watching service (and a dog hiking/walking service too).  I will sell real estate and learn from someone who is successful at it. I will do what I have to do to survive, but that is not my intent.


My intent is to thrive not survive.  Driving back last week, I met a family at the rest area.  They were obviously down and out - they were poor and reminded me of migrant workers from the Great Depression.  They needed some help with something and after as I walked away, I realized that barring a lottery win, their lives were probably not ever going to get much better than they were today.  Please understand, I am not disparaging this family, but I realized that I have been blessed, truly blessed, with all the tools I need to create my own success. I am the only person that stands in the way of that.  I am creative, educated, passionate and mostly joyous.  I am analytical and I can problem solve.  I am twenty years sober and I have had years of therapy and I worked it.  I have the most incredible people in my life that love and support me. I held the hand of both my mother and my husband while they took their last breaths and I consider it a gift. I have walked to hell and back and I am not beaten down.  I am stronger, better, faster - like Steve Austin (you young un's won't get the reference, but wiki "The Six Million Dollar Man") and despite the travails of my childhood - they are part of what has made me who I am today - I have so much to give as a person and a woman - more at age 50 than at any other time in my life.  I must not squander it.  God has blessed me and I have to step into His creation of Pamela and honor it.


Once again, I walk through the fear and embrace the future.  It's mine to create.  God has me exactly where I am supposed to be right now.  


Now back to packing those boxes!


Pax